Skip Navigation Link

Northern Wyoming Mental Health Center Inc.

Looking for Help?
Click Here for the Office Location Nearest You

Soothing Approaches in Relationships

Mark Dombeck, Ph.D.

Soothing Approaches

Chronically conflicted couples become easily overwhelmed, agitated and tense while communicating. Therapists often encourage such couples to practice soothing skills and techniques to help them defuse arousal and emotion, enabling them to communicate and problem solve more efficiently. Soothing skills practice help couples to better tolerate stressful provoking situations (lessening the chance that they will become overwhelmed in the first place), and to recover faster after they have become overwhelmed.

There is no perfect definition of what constitutes a soothing activity. Almost any alternative to outright fighting will generally qualify as a soothing activity. However, different people have different ideas about what works best for them when they need to calm down. Specifically, some people find it easier to relax when they are alone, while others can't calm down easily unless they are around supportive people. A good therapist will recommend soothing activities matched to each partner's preferences.

  • Time-Out. The tried-and-true 'time-out' technique is very useful in helping couples to disengage from a fight. The couple agrees that they will ask their partner for a 'time-out' on their discussion for an agree-upon period of time when they start to feel overwhelmed. During the time-out period, they agree that they will not discuss what they've been arguing about. If necessary, the couple should physically separate themselves so that they cannot continue discussion until the time-out period is over. The duration of a time-out period should be set to allow enough time to go by so that tempers have cooled, but not so much that any of the partners become anxious or feel overly deprived from making their case. Whatever the length, it is important that a time-out's duration be agreed upon at the time it is asked for so that neither partner feels anxiety over when they will again be able to talk.

    Where the time-out technique is most useful for letting off steam during an active confrontation, other soothing practices are useful in helping conflicted individuals to lower their general tension levels.

  • Talking and venting feelings about one's situation is very stress relieving for some people. Trusted family members or friends, or an individual therapist can offer support, a shoulder for crying on and a place to discuss feelings and seek counsel. Similar relief and reflection can be had by keeping, reading and re-reading a journal of one's thoughts and feelings.
  •  

  • Organizing helps some people to calm down. Cleaning one's house, getting the bills paid, even making lists of errands to be run and then checking them off as they are completed can be soothing activities.
  •  

  • Relaxation techniques help relieve muscular tension associated with stress. Progressive muscle relaxation is a popular relaxation technique whereby a therapist (or audio program) instructs people to alternately tense and then relax different major muscle groups, producing a profound bodily feeling of relaxation. Massage and some types of exercise (including hatha yoga) can produce similar effects.
  •  

  • Soothing environments, either imagined, visualized or experienced, help to calm jangled nerves. Guided imagery exercises (such as imagining one's self at the beach - often combined with relaxation exercises) can temporarily distract people from their consuming anxieties and angers. Music, lighting and aromatherapy products can be used to enhance the effect. Actually going out to be in a beautiful place (walking in a park, visiting the beach or a nature preserve) can also promote feelings of calm.
  • Exercise can be a very effective means of calming one's self down. In addition to working out physical muscular tensions and producing fatigue, exercise is also a good distraction capable of talking one's mind off of disturbing thoughts and concerns.
  • Distraction, or taking one's mind off of disturbing thoughts and feelings can also be a very effective means of coping with tension. Distraction works by refocusing one's attention away from things that are concerning towards something more immediate. Watching television, reading a book, talking with friends (about other things than disturbing thoughts) or focusing on a hobby can all be effective means of distraction. While taking distraction to an extreme would clearly be detrimental to a relationship (you can't have an intimate relationship if you are always distracted from it!), used in moderation, distraction can be part of a healthy coping repertoire.

Share This

Resources

  • Articles

  • Questions and Answers

    • Personality Disorder or Just a Horrible Person
    • Husband Sexting With a Mutual Friend
    • Am I Controlling ?
    • Commitment Issues
    • Found Out my Therapist Had a Disciplinary Action in the Past
    • Trust Issue
    • Classify My Mental Disorder
    • Prolonged Unemployment of Husband
    • Long Distance College Relationship
    • Does my Boyfriend Have Feelings For His Ex Wife?
    • 396 more
      • Married to a Psychopath
      • Breaking Up
      • Trust Issues
      • How to Overcome Depression Caused when Boyfriend Ditched Me?
      • New Boyfriend Lying About Belongings That Are His Ex Girlfriend's
      • Should I Stay or Should I Go?
      • How Can I Help my Fiancé?
      • Husband Continually Annoyed/Angry With Me
      • Recent Loss of my Mother is Causing Problems...
      • Lost in Limbo
      • Need Help in Building the Bridges
      • Lack of Affection and Intimacy
      • Is He Seeing Someone?
      • Marriage Question
      • Resentment-Controlling Wife/Passive-Agressive Husband
      • How To Get Over It?
      • Am I Going Crazy?
      • Can My Marriage Be Saved?
      • Why Is He Doing This To Me?
      • Am I Commitment-Phobic?
      • Change of Heart After Parent's Death
      • Does He Love Me?
      • The Breakup.
      • Should I Stay With a Lying Husband?
      • What Happened?
      • On and Off Relationship For Almost 10yrs
      • Jealous Girlfriend
      • Will My Husband Ever Quit Abusing Narcotics?
      • I Am Tired of Marriage
      • Not Able to be Happy With my Husband
      • Do You Think We Can Work This Out?
      • Is It Me or Him?
      • Personality Disorder Symptoms??
      • Morbid Jealousy?
      • How Much is TOO Much Therapy?
      • How to Handle an Employee Who Tells Obvious Lies
      • Affection Deficit
      • Delusional Jealousy
      • My Boyfriend Still has his Ex-Girlfriend's Photos
      • Emotional Manipulator, Personality Disorder or Both?
      • In Love With a Man Who Does Not Love Me
      • Boyfriend's Daughter's Strange Behavior
      • I Have Been Rejected.
      • Second Marriage
      • New Job New Chance
      • Crazy Mother In Law Ruining Our Mental Health and Relationship
      • I am a Newlywed and Need Help
      • Liar
      • Why Is He So Jealous, Even of My Own Brothers??
      • Why my Emotional Relationships With Men Don't Last?
      • What do you do When Your Partner Just Won't Understand or Change?
      • The Marriage Corner: How Do We Get Through This?
      • Preventing Unwarranted Conflict
      • Should I be Worried?
      • Should I Stay With My Girlfriend of 4 Years?
      • My Boyfriend Saved a Picture of a Girl he Slept With in Case we Split up?
      • Bipolar Girlfriend 55 Years Old
      • Is He Changed???
      • Lust or Love?
      • Why Can't I Get Over It?
      • My BoyfriendLlied to Me About His Ex.
      • Missing My Ex-Boyfriend Terribly
      • We Broke Up Because of His Mother.. I Had an Abortion. Having Suicidal Thoughts
      • Am I a Sociopath?
      • Insecure Danger
      • Trying to Reconnect With My Ex
      • What Is Intimacy, Exactly?
      • Is She Ill?
      • Why Does My Wife's Old Boyfriend Bother Me?
      • Insanely Jealous Husband
      • How do We Get Her to Accept Us as Part of The Family?
      • Will my Boyfriend Eventually Hit me?
      • I'm Cheated By My Girlfriend..... I Just Want to Die.....
      • Can This Ever Change??
      • Need Advice
      • I Think I Have Sexual Issue's
      • I Feel So Lost.
      • Extreme Jealousy
      • Scared and Lonely
      • What Does he Have to Pay? And What Not?
      • Sex
      • Why do You Think my Boyfriend Left Our Relationship in This Manner?
      • I Feel Like he Won't Ever Love me Like he Loves her
      • Help with a Histrionic Friend
      • I am an 18 Year Old Mom Diagnosed With Severe Depression And Anxiety
      • Boyfriend Still Acting Like a Bachelor
      • Middle-Aged Female Never In Love
      • She Doesn't Behave Like My Love Completes Her.
      • Should I Be Hopeful That He Will Change His Mind About Divorce?
      • Silent Treatment
      • I Want To Die!
      • I Really Need Some Advice...
      • How Can I Cope With My Husband´s Depression and Its Sexual Consequences?
      • Am I Over Thinking This, or Am I Right?
      • How Do I Handle This?
      • Boyfriend
      • My Husband is Too Affectionate
      • What Should I do?
      • Is it Really a Problem?
      • Am I Not Normal!?
      • Husband Abandoned Me
      • Breaking up With Bipolar
      • He's Distant. Is he Leaving me?
      • My Boyfriend Saved Pictures of his Ex-Girlfriend on His Computer.
      • Depression in College Seniors
      • My Boyfriend and His Adult Daughter
      • Guys Think I Am Too Much for Them to Handle
      • Why do Men Not Find Me Attractive?
      • What Should I Do?
      • Relationship
      • Never Been In a Serious Relationship
      • Am I Being Used?
      • Sudden Separation After Loss of Father
      • Am I In Danger?
      • Does Being Drunk Bring Out the True Personality?
      • Voices
      • Husband's Weight Problem
      • What to do?
      • I Love Her, but I Want That Spark Back
      • Why do I Reject My Boyfriend's Son?
      • Walking Home
      • Is She Mentally Ill?
      • What To Do?
      • How Can I Trust Again??
      • My boyfriend is a Sociopath
      • Will I ever feel normal?
      • Relationship Anxiety
      • No romance after baby!
      • Save my marriage!
      • Sexual issues with husband
      • My husband has left me for another woman. How do I let go?
      • Help my son with his morbid jealous girlfriend, get him out.
      • Anti social with accepting girlfriend
      • Relationship
      • Transference
      • Do you really ever 'Just Know' ?
      • Anxiety In A Relationship
      • How can I forgive my husband to save our marriage?
      • How to deal with a pot smoker who uses it to cover mental problem - - Oct 23rd 2008
      • how to ask if the pics are her?
      • My husband has admitted he is an alcoholic...how do we heal
      • How much guilt is normal?
      • Unhappy Marriage
      • Torn between two lovers, and scared of what I'll do
      • Terminating Therapy after 17 years
      • Help with My Husband
      • Nervous about nudity
      • Is he crazy or am I?
      • Boyfriend with APD - frustrated - Nelly - Jul 21st 2008
      • Why does my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend have to be so involved in his life?
      • Should I try to salvage this relationship?
      • Dating a Psychologist and Feeling Inferior
      • Is It Abuse? - Erin - Jun 24th, 2008
      • Why
      • abuse survivor
      • I never feel enough affection from my boyfriend. Am I obsessing?
      • I think we got married for the wrong reasons.
      • My partner of 6 years suddenly left with no explanation and has completely shut me and my kids out- Elise
      • My boyfriend doesn't seem to have gotten over his ex-girlfriend
      • Insane Jealousy
      • Boyfriend's skeletons and friends' opinions
      • Is it my fault if my family falls apart after he cheats?
      • Child jealous of moms relationship with her new husband
      • wife wants to seperate after 23 yrs.
      • Husband in alcohol rehab
      • My ex-husband tells me he wants to be with me again but won't move out of his girlfriend's house
      • Jealousy, Anger, Depression and Fear
      • dealing with demanding mother
      • My Wife is Depressed. Should I help her to Toughen Up or Just Be There for her?
      • Engaged to be married but fighting. The wedding date has been canceled.
      • Long Distance Relationship Trials
      • He cheats on me. Is it my fault?
      • So sick of this lying crap he puts on me
      • was this a contolling relationship, and why would I put up with it?
      • Does my husband love his daughter more than me (his wife)?
      • alcohlic husband
      • Feel like I'm trapped
      • dating and the stigma of mental health.
      • What\'s the matter?
      • My girlfriend wants to stop being critical but doesn't know how
      • Finally have a stable marriage, but having sex problems
      • A fighting couple
      • It seems like I have to choose between my husband and my son!
      • two intelligent adults who feel they don\'t have friends
      • Should I get involved?
      • hard decision
      • My OCPD husband can't tolerate my 'flaws'
      • My Fiancee Can't Get Over His Late Wife
      • what can i do?
      • Just looking?
      • Husband with erratic behavior
      • after verbal abuse
      • Loyalty or Love?
      • Should I leave my husband?
      • Very confusing relationship
      • Disbelief
      • will my husband still love me after he comes out of major depression?
      • Confronting A Marriage Problem
      • How do I forgive and forget when my husband abandoned me?
      • Other Woman
      • divorce
      • Who is my wife?
      • How to move on with everything against you?
      • The Catch 22 of Fear of Abandonment
      • Learning To Set Limits
      • what am i afraid of?
      • How to work out differences
      • Abusive relationship ever change?
      • There are no guarantees when it comes to love
      • I compromised and gave in
      • Going through his things
      • Advice for my unhappily married friend
      • He's selfish, disrespectful and irresponsible
      • I have a crush on my husband's friend
      • I cannot continue to live without affection
      • Regret my decision every single day
      • He has hit me on a few occasions ...
      • Lingering Feelings for my old affair partner
      • Obsessed with the woman who is about to marry my ex
      • Wife of 21 Years Has a Boyfriend
      • Having trouble letting go of ex-sister-in-law
      • I suspect that my husband is cheating
      • Abusive Older Sister
      • Explaining Divorce To Children
      • Working Mother Wants To Stay Home
      • Am I Just Deluding Myself?
      • Attachment Issues
      • Craving Attention
      • Embarrassed and Ashamed of My Weakness
      • Should I Just Be Alone For Now?
      • Is Recovery Possible?
      • Withdrawn Wife
      • Husband Wants A Divorce
      • Best Way To Deal With Verbal Abuse
      • Helping My Husband
      • Scared To Death Now
      • Duty vs. Freedom
      • Grieving All The Time
      • Marital Problems?
      • Living With PTSD
      • Bosom Buddies
      • Making Excuses
      • What Abuse Looks Like
      • Am I Wrong?
      • Can You Help Me Save My Relationship?
      • Marital Stress
      • OCD And a Lying Husband
      • He'll Never Marry Me
      • Ms. Doubtful
      • Busted By A 5-Year-Old
      • Unethical Counselor
      • Bad Health And A Bum Husband
      • Marriage Problems
      • Where Do I Go From Here?
      • Frustrated and Sucked Dry
      • Why Do I Provoke A Negative Attitude In Others?
      • Depressed Husband
      • Serious Problems
      • Slobby Husband
      • Arranged Marriage
      • Recognizing Verbal Abuse
      • Grieving and Clueless
      • Marital Crisis
      • One Side Of The Story
      • Reader Comment #1
      • Schizophrenia?
      • Pornography # 2: Should I Go Or Should I Stay?
      • Addicted, Immoral Husband
      • Can I Help My Wife With Depression?
      • Online Gaming Problems
      • Feels Like Adultery
      • Just Left My Abusive Boyfriend
      • Should I Get Back Together With My Wife?
      • Rites of Passage: Moving On
      • She Won't Get Help
      • Lost Person Struggling With Intimacy Issues
      • No Compassion For Depression
      • Affair Guilt
      • Alone Time
      • Seizures Interfering With Love
      • Controlling Husband
      • How Can I Help My Bipolar Wife?
      • Affairs and Broken Hearts
      • Can It Work?
      • Dead-End Marriage
      • Sweetheart Obsession
      • Wanting Intimacy
      • Depressed Husband
      • Abusive Wife
      • Adulterer's Lament
      • Recovering Liar
      • Alcoholic Husband
      • Marriage Trouble
      • Spiraling Husband
      • Can't Make Someone Love You
      • Countering Type A With Assertiveness
      • Suffering In The Country
      • Unhappy In An Arranged Marriage
      • Rocky Relationship
      • Bipolar Wife
      • Sick Husband
      • Inner Rage
      • Did My Husband Cheat?
      • Married To A Control Freak
      • Screaming And Cursing Husband
      • Abusive Husband
      • Car Nut
      • Torn Over Children
      • Long Married
      • Abused Wife
      • Alcoholic Husband
      • Affair
      • Broken Trust
      • I Want To Leave, But For The Children ...
      • Dependent Husband
      • Depressed Spouse
      • Perfectionist Husband
      • Independence
      • Office Casanova
      • The Secretary
      • No Desire For Sex 1
      • Some Short Ones First:
      • Wanting That Magic Back
      • Controlling, Disabled Husband
      • Maxie the Moocher
      • Drifting Apart?
      • Is Divorce the Answer?
      • Salvaging A Marriage
      • Explosive Anger
      • Mental Abuse
      • Lying, Cheating Husband
      • My Wife the Prisoner
      • Chaotic Family Life
      • Lost Trust
      • The Grass is Always Greener...
      • How can I save my marriage?
      • Emotionally Abusive Marriage: What To Do?
      • A Social Marriage
      • Cheating, Story No. 2,901
      • Husband's Secretary Too Close?
      • A VIOLENT MARRIAGE
      • SHOULD I BE AFRAID?
      • Rocky Marriage
      • Rocky Marriage, Part II
      • Threatened by Suicide if I Leave
      • Ba! Humbug! Husband
      • Reconciliation
      • Fickle Husband
      • Doubting My Husband's Sincerity
      • I Can't Say No To My Affair
      • My Husband Lies To Me
      • Attraction Outside the Marriage
      • Jekyll & Hyde
      • Trying To Save Our Marriage
      • What Defines Marriage?
      • Battling a Weight Problem
      • My Snoring is Pushing Him Away
      • Coming To Terms With Her Affair
      • Married for 2 Months
      • My Ex Is Moving On...
      • Repeat Offender
      • Distant
      • She Wants to Have an Affair
      • My Wife's Past...
      • He Says I'm Too Emotional
      • I Can't Let Go
      • 6 Years Is a Long Time
      • I Want to Leave My Husband for Another
      • Mommy's New Boyfriend
      • Busy and Wanting
      • Pre-Marital Sex
      • Working it Out
      • He's Not Himself
      • Secret Rendezvous
      • I Can't Please My Wife
      • Jealous of My Fiance's Family
      • My Husband Refuses to Seek Help
      • I Can't Trust
      • Honesty Isn't the Best Policy
      • Dating My Wife
      • An Angry Husband
      • He's So Angry...
      • My Wife Wants Me to Leave...
      • Unfaithful and Unhappy
      • My Wife and Her Sister...
      • Hanging On
      • I'm Jealous of His Ex
      • Mood Swings
      • Dianne writes:
      • Rob writes:
      • Michelle writes:
      • Parlante writes:
      • Suzanne writes:
      • bz writes:
      • Carol-Ann writes:
      • Laura writes:
  • Book & Media Reviews

    • ACT With Love
    • Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
    • Almost a Psychopath
    • Apples and Oranges
    • Attached
    • Be Honest--You're Not That Into Him Either
    • Boys Will Put You on a Pedestal (So They Can Look Up Your Skirt)
    • Couple Skills
    • Emotional Fitness for Intimacy
    • Essentials of Premarital Counseling
    • 24 more
      • Hard to Get
      • Her Last Death
      • How to Build a House
      • How to Change Someone You Love
      • How to Create Chemistry with Anyone
      • In the Mood, Again
      • It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken
      • Let's Get This Straight
      • Love Junkie
      • Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder
      • My Sister's Keeper
      • Respect-Me Rules
      • Romantic Intelligence
      • Stop Signs
      • The Ethics of the Family
      • The Husbands and Wives Club
      • The Lonely American
      • The Secret Lives of Wives
      • The State of Affairs
      • Unhitched
      • Untrue
      • Violent Partners
      • When Mars Women Date
      • When Someone You Love Is Bipolar
  • Videos

  • More Information

    • Wise Counsel Interview Transcript: An Interview with Kristin Celello, Ph.D, on the History of Marriage in 20th Century America
    • Wise Counsel Interview Transcript: An Interview with William and Carlene Glasser on Happier Marriages