I'm 22 years old and have been suffering from severe depression for about 15 months. I had episodes in the past but was able to get through them without treatment. I have made a lot of progress in the past 6 months and at the moment my depression is largely under control with the help of medication, Zoloft 100mg + Welbutrin 300 mg, and weekly therapy. But for the past few weeks I have been engaging in eating disordered behaviors pretty consistently, trying to restrict most days and purging a few times a week. I do want to lose weight, but not really for aesthetic reasons. It's more because I feel like I don't "deserve" to be well-nourished and it's "wrong," not necessarily unattractive, for me to weigh as much as I do at my healthy weight at 4\'11" and ~102 lbs.
When I eat normally I usually feel guilty and as though my body has somehow expanded, though I know it's impossible. I've had these thoughts on and off over the past year, but usually dealt with them by self-injuring, which I haven't been doing lately. I know that restricting really impacts my quality of life but I still feel compelled to do it. I feel that I need to be given "permission" to eat.
I don't want to let this unravel the strides I have made in improving my mental health, but I don't know what to do. I feel like I would benefit from some aspects of treatment for eating disorders, in addition to my normal therapy, like being accountable to a dietician for a meal plan but at the same time I don't want to be accused of overreacting when it hasn't been that long and I haven't lost much weight.
Do you think it would be appropriate for me to seek additional support?
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