Dissociates When Intimate

I am a 39 year old, never married female. I have a history of past child sexual abuse (my grandfather) and adult rape. Every time I go out with a man and things start to head toward intimacy, even something as simple has holding my hand, I dissociate. I don't remember anything more from the date and often "awake" to find myself in bed with the man. Or if I do consciously choose to have sex with him it causes nothing but emotional pain, nightmares and flashbacks. Am I ever going to be able to have a normal relationship? I want and crave intimacy, but the risks outweigh the benefits. What can I do?

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